There are quite a few things making me want to give up on this journey recently. People tend to choose something they are familiar with or something easy. So, what am I doing at this age?

Yesterday, I talked to one of my friends who is living in London. He is an English man and he has a full-time job there. When I asked him whether he has something he regretted about, he told me that he regretted returning back to England. He loves living in Vietnam having a decent job with a high salary, with everything so cheap and people so friendly. While I am striving to get a chance to go abroad to study, he himself wants to stay and live in Vietnam. How absurd it is.

I re-read a book called “whatever it is, I have to go”. It’s a book about a girl going to Canada to study to become a chef. When I read it, I realize that she is like me. Back in Vietnam, she has an affluent family which supports her a lot and she doesn’t have to do menial jobs like waitressing before. But when she went overseas to study, she had to deal with a lot of stressful jobs. Her life has totally changed. When finishing the book, I am afraid that I would have to do the same; however, I may not be as strong as she is. I am 28 years old now and I feel like I don’t have as much passion and enthusiasm as when I was 24 years old anymore. I don’t know whether I can handle things like that, working with mean people, and have been scolded or yelled at all the time.

I really admire a girl who used to be my schoolmate 5 years ago. She did many great things that I want to do but don’t have enough ability to do it such as: going backpacking in Southeast Asia or going abroad to study and winning a job there in the middle of the Covid-19 crisis. I read a lot of her articles about her mental anxiety or hardships she got over the years and how miracle she recovered from all the break-ups, mental diseases and finally lives a healthy and happy life. But today, I read one of her articles complaining about how costly public transport is in Sweeden. I don’t want to be like her, complaining about something really small, like the cost of public transport. How hard it could be if you can’t even pay the bills to meet the daily needs, let alone save or buy things big like houses while I am here, having a good quality life.

Do people need to go at any cost? 2 months ago, I had the same thought. But right now, I’m not so sure anymore. I’m afraid that I am not resilient enough to deal with all these things. Currently, I have a good job with a high salary, friendly co-workers, and a friendly environment. I live in one of the most beautiful and cleanest cities in Vietnam. Why should I leave all these things and choose a difficult life when going abroad, spending all my saving money over the years just to barely manage to survive. What if I am not good enough to study at school or I have mental diseases coming back and I have to drop out of school? Everything I did will become meaningless. I do not have that much confidence in myself anymore.

But what if I do not go? I certainly regret it for the rest of my life.

I still don’t know but I only have a little time left to choose. Feeling ambivalent all the time.

This must be the first article I write about how weak and insecure I am about myself. I don’t know where it begins but I realize that I am not as strong and good as I thought. It is not easy to confess that I am not as good as other people or I don’t have enough ability to do something I want or I am too scared to leave my comfort zone.